i am having so much mixed feelings. maybe blogging will do me good. i dunno whether what i am doing now is right. i miss my friend. i miss my that friend who has shared so much moments with me.

i hated vj. i wanted to come tj to have a peace of mind. but i know in tj, i will have no one here. ws was going nj. all my fellow teammates will be scattered around. but i thought, okay. i have mich and lyn. thats enough. but fair enough, they cant stick with me 24/7 right? main stream and ta is diferent. they have their own friends and all our periods clash. =(

oh well, i know i have to be independent. so in 29/08, an awesome class with awesome people. everyone is so nice and bubbly. i knew from the start i will love this place cos i will have awesome mates with me. then i got to know you. we shared so much in common. we love running, we love organising things, we love making everyone else happy. guess we became close cos of running. when it was supposed to be a 'many people run together' kind of affair, it soon just left you and me. cos everyone else was feeling lazy! haha. but oh wells, the many routes we explored. and the training schedule that we came up with. i was so happy then cos i was still getting over the fact that i cant play ball anymore. at least in tj.

and after all these runnings, we became closer. i still remember myself spending almost everyday with you during june holiday to study for jcts. i wonder why we love macs so much then. haha. and that is also the time i start opening up to you. told you sth about my family that i have only told ws before.

then gradually, we discussed about the kind of ideal birthday we want. for you, you were more interested in the ideal present you want. haha. so greedy! so as we talked about how much you will love a collage, i know i want to make one for you. cos i know you are one friend who is worth making happy. then came making of the scrapebook. we were both so excited and looking upon its completion. (: choosing of photos, the long period of time spent making though promos was coming. but it was such great time. just by looking at the photos, it reminded me of all the happy moments i have spent with the class. all the awesome people whom i wouldnt know if i never come to tj. you, xiang, tash, hs, xx and yaya. i swear that is the best scrapebook i have ever done. and the best christmas gift ever. 27th dec 08, the immediate day i came back from hk. we gave it to them. xx even teared! (: oh yes, and it is this christmas i learnt how to make a computerised collage. still remember the night when i sneak into your room while you were away at australia. and told charlotte to give it to you on the 25th morning before you brush your teeth. but charlotte forgot. haha.

2008 was a tough year. seeing how bad i have done in my studies. the time when i no longer see a strong me. the girl who used to encourage people in cedar, telling everyone else to be tough. but this year, i have changed. changed to a effing weak person who feels like giving up all the time. and a true blue loser who cant even pass an examination. but you guys were all there for me. i was dead upset when i knew i might retain. but all of you were there. the biscuits you bought from opposite. and sorry for making your blouse wet. hehs. hs's super duper long msg. xiang's and tash's card and msg. and xx's hugs. the best hugs i can ever have. haha. but anyhows, thanks for being there. you encouraged me to press on. to bravely take up next year. you understood the fear in me and promised that you will go through whatever shit that will be lined up for me next year. yes you really did. (:

so here comes 2009. things didnt start out well. you had so much commitements that i know you rather not have. all the redundant camps, dreadful trainings, class politics, season and mazarin. seeing how sad you were, i was really worried. but thanks for letting me be there. i hope i did made things a little more bearable. even for abit. but then, i have seen how strong you were. the things you have to go through, i admit is not a typical 18 year old will have to. that mass project you had. it was really big scale. and i am really amazed about how much you are willing to put in just to help those who need. though it didnt end well, but everyone was really proud of you. trust me, you are one of the most capable friend i have got. and on 30th may, finally everything was over. i was really glad. i was so hoping for this day to come. cos i cant wait to get my happy and bubbly friend back. (:

but sometimes, i really hate myself for being so act smart. cant even meddle my own affairs and i want to meddle with others. my studies was in a mess. i hated his damn school. hated this damn educational system. hated how i have seen the behaviour of people that had shocked me. hated being here in tj. i felt that i have lost myself. dont even know what i am doing about my own life.

but you were there. the rest too. (: you never fail to answer all my calls, never fail to be the first few who sense it whenever i am upset and ask if i am alright, never fail to sing for me whenever i feel like. i know you are one i can rely on on this tough path cos you said you will. you did. you really did. not that i dont sense any of them, but i just couldnt get myself right on track again. and i am sorry for that. things just become so frustrating. damn the stupid prelims that make me realise that i can never break away from those S and U. you are tired i know. but trust me, i am tired too. tired for being so stupid and not being able to pick up the mess i have created for myself.

i dunno where this space thing will lead us to. perhaps total strangers maybe? i know it may not be. but dont you think once things soured, it will be difficult to piece things back together again? actually from the day you told me you and her were becoming closer, i have already seen this coming. cos i see how you totally invest into this new friendship. like how much you invested into our friendship in the first place too. everything is repeating. isnt it amazing to hear you say that she means 'as much' as i am to you when you are only getting closer to her for a week. i know what you will say. that you have already knew her for years. but were you two this close last time? it repeats like a pattern. maybe this friendship of ours is becoming a burden thats why. i still remember the time when you told me s felt threatened by me. i thought how could it be. cos there is nothing wrong with making new friends. but now i guess i know what she meant. perhaps when we became close, someone else had got hurt. it is like a pattern. i think through actions, i should have already realised that this friendship might come to an end eventually.

funny to hear you informing me that you cant meet me after school cos you wanted to finish up your is. but ended up hearing from you that she is going over cos you have to teach her chem and maths. ironic huh. funny to hear how you go to her house to study when you hate studying at home environment. and it is also so tiring for you to come over to my place even though we lived so near and i have to go over everytime. funny to know how willing you are to travel back to airport from tampines even though you just lost your wallet. and how unwilling you are to come ps just because ps is so inconvenient for you and so you rather chose to abandon me there though you have asked me to wait for you to eat lunch and all. do you know that i purposely chose ps cos it would be easier to go kovan after that and that you will have more time to study? and to think that you dont even felt guilty at all and blamed me for not telling you that net actu wanted to come and find me and i turned it down after i double confirmed with you. so even if net came, wont it leave you totally no guilt at all for even wanting to abandon me in the first place? funny to hear you say you want to go home after asking me to study after your cse paper even though i waited for 7hours. funny to know how you made plans with me, forgot about it, and even after i told you, you simply just said 'sorry. but i confirm with her already'. not that i blame you for forgetting. just disappointed that even after knowing that you did make plans with me, you had no intention of telling her that you had already made plans with me. so i should be there when i have to right? and not when you dont feel like right? have you ever tried putting yourself in my shoes before changing your decisions and plans? i hate to know how much you were dependent on me during your hard times (though you said you werent) and now when i needed someone, things become like that.

friends come and go.seeing you invest totally into another friendship just make me realise that perhaps it is time to let go. cos it works this way and maybe i should be happy for you.

okay. i think i am done. whatever it is, i will still remember you as the best friend i have made in tj. (: